Some people might regard the support that had appeared at my side, lifting the burden from my shoulders, as a happy chance, for others it might seem just a coincidence.
For me, tense and overwrought to breaking point, it had the hallmark of divine intervention – although at that stage, in the spring of 1978, Jonathan and I had scarcely begun to confront our feelings, let alone give them any expression. The fundamental question was how to handle this heaven-sent gift.
It could be used hurtfully, destructively, with the potential to break up the family in which I had invested so much of myself, if Jonathan and I even momentarily contemplated going off and setting up a home together. It would not be enough to claim that I had fulfilled my promise to Stephen in outrageously difficult circumstances over a very long period, because this was not a viable rationale in terms of the teachings of our church, which both I and Jonathan believed were the only true basis for human living.
The alternative course was the only one we could follow. Then, that special gift could be used well, for the benefit of the family as a whole – for the children and for Stephen, if he were prepared to accept it as such.
The latter course would not be easy since it would require a rigorous amount of self-discipline. In caring for Stephen we would have to try to maintain a distance from each other, living apart and not allowing ourselves to show any outward signs of affection for each other in public. In principle, our social lives would always focus on at least three, if not five people, never an exclusive twosome.
The well-being of Stephen and the children would be the justification for our relationship with no thoughts for the future. In effect there was no obvious future for anyone who became involved with me. If it was selfish of me to monopolize the life of a young man who had already suffered so much tragedy, the answer was always the same: with his help we could survive as a family, without it we were doomed.
— Travelling to Infinity (Jane Hawking), Loc. 4162–76