“Dr. Chapman, that is what she has always complained about. I didn’t do things with her, I didn’t spend any time with her. ‘We used to go places and do things before we were married,’ she said, ‘but now, you’re too busy.’ That’s her love language all right; no question about it. But, Dr. Chapman, what am I gonna do? My job is so demanding.”
“Tell me about it,” I said. For the next ten minutes, he gave me the history of his climb up the organizational ladder, of how hard he had worked, and how proud he was of his accomplishments. He told me of his dreams for the future and that he knew that within the next five years, he would be where he wanted to be.
“Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Betty Jo and the children?” I asked.
“I want her to be with me, Dr. Chapman. I want her to enjoy it with me. That’s why it always hurts so much when she criticizes me for spending time on the job. I am doing it for us. I wanted her to be a part of it, but she is always so negative.”
“Are you beginning to see why she was so negative, Bill?” I asked.
“Her love language is quality time. You have given her so little time that her love tank is empty. She doesn’t feel secure in your love. Therefore she has lashed out at what was taking your time in her mind — your job. She doesn’t really hate your job. She hates the fact that she feels so little love coming from you. There’s only one answer, Bill, and it’s costly. You have to make time for Betty Jo. You have to love her in the right love language.”
— The 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman), Loc. 646–58
Us.
It’s a difficult topic, and it’s hard to formulate it properly. I had the same conflict with Nadzeja telling her that my job is more important, actually meaning that it’s more important now1, as ou relationship can handle all the bad temporary things, and me generating lots of money right now, would make our life better in the futurre.
Turned out, it wasn’t working. It’s still difficult to formulate properly. It’s still hard to get right for me.
Update Oct 2026:
Yep, even now. Working 24/7 isn’t the right thing to do, but at the very beginning of the professional journey, it felt very important. Especially considering my very life situation, and the need to escape the place I hated so much.
However, perhaps this reveals the not-really-firm relationships that couldn’t survive work.
When I was in my twenties. ↩︎